Are Mormons Loving?

Written by Kyle Howard
Published 3/12/14
  

For the past eight years, I've been told by both non-Mormons and inactive Mormons that members of the LDS Church are extremely judgemental. They’ve told me I could use a lesson in practicing what I preach. They’ve said things like: “What’s your problem? So what if I live this way? I can live however I want. Why does my life have to affect yours? Can’t you just respect me for who I am? Didn’t Jesus say to love everyone? You’re so judgemental.”

To this claim, I strongly disagreed. I felt like nobody was perfect, especially myself, and such a declaration of my character was unwarranted. To me, their words were nothing more than poor excuses used to manipulate me into being okay with sin. Couldn’t they see my integrity to what I believe? I was being honest and true, not judgemental. I felt like calling them to repentance was a way of showing my love for them. I wanted them to be happy, and I knew that the only way for them to find true happiness was to follow the Savior.

Being raised in Southern Utah where most people were LDS, I was never really challenged to believe differently. Ever since I left to serve a mission eight years ago, life has woken me up to the reality that most people see the world quite differently than I do. I’ve had lots of opportunities to talk to and even befriend people who disagree with my beliefs. I now have friends and co-workers with personalities and lifestyles very different from my own, and it’s been quite the learning experience.

A few months ago, I had one eye-opening experience in particular. I had recently moved to Salt Lake City, and I was having a conversation with a guy I had just met. As we were talking, he asked if I would go get drinks with him sometime. I’ve been offered alcohol many times before, and I’ve always said no. Declining alcohol has never been a problem for me because it’s usually been offered by a non-member, and they are usually very respectful about my choice not to drink. But this incident was different. It didn’t sit well with him when I told him I didn’t drink. He asked me why. With every reason I gave him, he had an explanation for why that reason was stupid. He lectured me and tried to argue. Because he had left the Church, none of my classic sunday school answers worked at all. They only gave him reason to argue more intensely. He told me that the Church had a hold on me. He asked how I could know that alcohol was bad for me if I had never tried it. He was trying really hard to change my mind, but he was doing a lousy job. It was only making me angry. I quickly got us off the subject so I could calm my nerves down. I found myself no longer wanting to hang out with him, and I haven’t ever since.

That night, I kept thinking about what he had said to me. I wondered why it got me so upset. “Why did he need me to drink?” I thought, “What was his problem? So what if I believe it’s bad? I’m free to believe whatever I want. Why does that have to affect him? It’s not like I’m trying to take away his alcohol. Can’t he just respect me for who I am? He’s so judgemental…” Wait a minute. I recognized this dialogue. It was the same dialogue I had been hearing from countless people before. I was feeling judged for being different. It all suddenly made sense. Being on the receiving end of judgement made it so much easier to see. I could see why non-Mormons have been frustrated with me in the past, and I could clearly see why judging people doesn’t work.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. I saw for myself how unfair it is to be belittled for believing differently. I felt devalued as a person. I now saw the importance of showing love and respect for everyone’s opinions and beliefs, including the way people choose to live their lives. I found a greater understanding of the Savior’s commandment to “love thy neighbor as thyself” (Matthew 22:39). I realized that if I want my beliefs to be respected, I must respect the beliefs of others. I can’t expect others to be respectful about my life choices if I am unwilling to do the same for them. There are many people who do things and live their lives in ways that I don’t agree with. But disagreement is not an excuse to be rude or unkind. For “he that hath the spirit of contention is not of [Christ], but is of the devil, who is the father of contention” (3 Nephi 11:29). I now run that same dialogue through my mind whenever I catch myself struggling to show love: “Why does this bother me so much? What is my problem? So what if they live/believe that way? They are free to live/believe how they want. It doesn’t have to affect me.” Every person is my brother or sister, and as such, each of them deserves my respect. I must respect that precious gift of agency that God gave to each of us.

Are Mormons loving? I think it depends on which member of the Church you are asking about. I know many who are and many who are not. I wish I could say we all are. I think we could all use a reminder of what it means to be loving. It means not letting differences get in the way of honoring a person for who that person is. It means showing everyone love and respect at all times. Some may disagree with me and argue that I should be standing up for righteousness and letting my light shine. But letting my light shine means to be an example of righteous living. It doesn't mean to be a judge. Often times instead of letting our light shine like a beacon for others to see and follow, we shine it like a spotlight into other people’s eyes, and we tick them off. I invite you to take a look at how your light is shining. Is your light overwhelming and offensive? Or is it warm and inviting? Who in your life feels welcome around you? And who feels like you are pushing them away? Are you listening to them? Or are you disregarding what they have to say? It’s not enough just to be a light. We must also be a loving and welcoming one, one that reflects the pure love of Christ. “For God is love” (1 John 4:8). We can’t do God’s work using Satan’s tactics.

Taker vs. Receiver

by Kyle Howard

"All my life I was taught that it was more blessed to give than to receive. The message was so firmly ingrained into my thinking that in time I began to believe it was not blessed to receive, that there was something wrong about being the receiver. I had forgotten or not clearly understood the teaching of King Benjamin [in Mosiah 4:19] that we are all beggars, having received everything from the Lord" (Walter L. Maughan, “The Receiving End of Giving,” Ensign, June 1982, 52).

Many believe that there is something wrong with receiving. This is especially apparent when we observe someone trying to give something to another, and that gift is turned down. They say something like, "Oh, no, don't worry about it. I'm fine.--or--No, I can't take that. You keep it." It is as if they try to give the gift back to the person, thinking that it is much better to be a giver than a receiver. One may say that such refusal is simply showing one's self-proficiency, or that they are simply being polite and modest. They may even think they really don't need what is being offered. But it requires a certain Christ-like quality to be a receiver, and most people are afraid to even attempt to obtain that quality, afraid that it will be mistaken for greed or selfishness.

When one refuses a physical gift, a compliment, or a gift of service, he or she is obviously not performing an act of giving. So what is such a person doing when refusing a gift? He or she is not giving nor receiving, but "taking." They are unconsciously taking away an opportunity for the other person to serve. They are not the only takers; people who do accept gifts but do not return any form of gratitude are also takers. So what's the difference between a taker and a receiver?

Christ showed us an example of being a receiver rather than a taker: "And being in Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as [Jesus] sat at meat, there came a woman having an alabaster box of ointment of spikenard very precious; and poured it on his head. And there were some that had indignation within themselves, and said, Why was this waste of the ointment made? For it might have been sold for more than three hundred pence, and have been given to the poor. And they murmured against her. And Jesus said, Let her alone; why trouble ye her? she hath wrought a good work on me" (Mark 14:3-6). I ponder on this scripture and realize that Christ never refused others' gifts or services, but accepted them with great gratitude and love for the giver, no matter how great or how little worth the gift had.

So what's the difference between a "taker" and a "receiver?"

A taker does simply that: takes. He or she takes a gift without expressing gratitude, takes a compliment and throws it back with a "No, I'm not that good." He or she takes away another's opportunity of service and giving by refusing a gift.

A receiver receives the gift, always with thanksgiving and much gratitude to the giver, letting them know how thoughtful and kind they are for giving such a wonderful gift and expressing love in return. A receiver receives a compliment with a sincere "Thank you. I appreciate that." They return a boost of spirits and worth back to the giver. A receiver allows others to serve him or her, to give others an opportunity to express their love by giving.

Which are you? a "taker" or a "receiver?"

For every giver, there must be a receiver, and for every receiver, there must be a giver. One cannot exist without the other. So give and give and give, and receive with thanksgiving every gift given to you. For in this is joy and love, and all are edified.

"And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more" (D&C 78:19).

May we all be givers and receivers.